Sept. 23, 2013
Achieving fame in Nigeria is not such a hard job if you know the easy ways of achieving it instantly. Hard work, excellence, dedication, talent, knowledge and skill are no longer the only means to gaining fame in Nigeria as the case may be. This is significantly an indictment on our society.
Be it fame, notoriety or popularity in a positive light, the fundamental thing is that you are known; Nigerians discuss you in pubs and gatherings, on social media and in their daily interactions. In consonance with this, the Oxford dictionary meaning of fame as “the state of being known and talked about by many” is what is intended here. In that gamut, if you are tired of nestling in oblivion and dark obscurity, this article points the ways of gaining instant fame in Nigeria that some Nigerians have explored and are today basking in the cumulus of their “celebrity” status. However, readers beware! This is satiric, and not an encouragement of the pursuit of fame without values, ideals, scruples or ethics.
As a matter of fact, the most viable but sinister means of gaining quick, easy fame in Nigeria is to insult the President. I tell you, many have done this and are cruising in a celebrity roller-coaster. They are quoted as authorities on public affairs, economic issues, legal matters and other subjects. In fact, on every matter as long as it is related to Nigeria and the government, they are experts. Such is the height of their fame. They usually go by these distinguished appellations, public affairs analyst, public affairs expert, consummate public matters strategist and commentator, expert on governmental and Nigerian affairs as well as other high and vain designations.
To achieve fame by insulting the President, you must be masterly in your choice of words. Words like “clueless” and “shoeless” are the inventions of persons who are already in the “Insult the President Hallowed Hall of Fame”. And are trite. So you must be creative and invent new insults that will ring. That is if you are determined to achieve quick fame, and be quoted as an authority on issues concerning Nigeria.You may extend the insult to his wife, instead of Dame you call her lame for her English. Your words will go viral on social networks and blogs. You may even attract the attention of the opposition, who knows. Your meteoric rise has just begun!
Another way to achieve fame in Nigeria is by being an “ethnic warrior”. By ethnic warrior, I mean a virulent tribal jingoist. It does not matter if you know the history of your people or not. Your object is to gain fame. And to do that, you must cut down or speak unkindly of other ethnic groups. You must have a fertile imagination good enough to fabricate stories that will appeal to the emotions of your race and not their reason. For example, tell them that other ethnic groups are responsible for all their problems, and that they must annihilate those ethnic groups before they can make progress. Before you know it, you become an ethnic champion and a headache to other ethnic groups. The attempts by a melange of bitten persons of other ethnic groups to counter and debate your vitriolic statements will balloon your profile and give you fame as quick as cooking noodles in boiling water. It has worked for some Nigerians who are now classed as nationalists, and in that respect have achieved celebrity status.
Again, if you are bent on becoming (in)famous in Nigeria for whatever reason, then you must be ready to do the derring-do. Whatever, it is that you do, if you end up on the EFCC wanted list, you have become (in)famous.The EFCC looking for you alone is a sign of class. That guarantees you space in newspapers, social networks and blogs. You have become a big fish! “Eja nla”! In addition, for you to find a spot on the prestigious EFCC list that contains names of the “high and mighty” who are being investigated for different reasons is no small feat. In fact, it has become a somewhat free publicity tangent to be on the EFCC crime or wanted list as it is now a sign of “arrival” in affluence and political relevance. If you steal big, that is billions, your name will ring louder, and you will probably get a light sentence after which you can enjoy your “spoils”, but if you steal small, like doing “Yahoo-Yahoo” you will probably still remain in obscurity, and may get severe punishment. The former heads of some Nigerian banks, politicians, government officials and affluent Nigerians who have walked down the EFCC road know this. So you have to determine how to get to the till where the billions are.
These are the three ways of gaining instant fame in Nigeria. If there are more ways that you know, please be free to share with me. Yours truly has been in dark obscurity for too long.
Fredrick Nwabufo is a writer and a poet. Email:[email protected] 08167992075