Dec. 15, 2013; EkeKeee
This letter of mine is going to contain a lot of apologies. I have sinned against God and against you all. I have transgressed. I apologize. I apologize for pissing down the many opportunities you gave me to be the greatest Nigerian ever. I apologize for a lot of things. I apologize.
I apologize because I had some of the rarest opportunities in public service anybody could get anywhere, which in other climes should have been a stepping stone to greater things if I was a man with an iota of humanity or decency. For you my countrymen allowed me a total of eleven years as the head of state and President of Nigeria.
I apologize for being a disappointment. I apologize for being a tyrant masquerading as a democrat. I apologize for being self-centred, obnoxious, vindictive and a crude man. I apologize for all the times I sought at all cost to always impose my will on the nation, even where it was detrimental to the laws of morality, decency, common sense and of national interest.
I apologize for the killing of Nigerian university students in cold blood and the invasion and razing of the home and business premises of Fela Kuti who was my number one critic as military head of state. I know now that he was never my enemy even though I treated him as my enemy and an enemy of the Nigerian state.
I apologize for supporting the annulment of the election of a democratically elected president, Chief MKO Abiola and colluding with my military colleagues and setting up all sorts of anti-democratic political contraptions to negate the mandate of the people in an election widely acclaimed to be free and fair.
I apologize to Jesus Christ for claiming to be born again when I came out of jail and to you my countrymen and women for playing on your intelligence that I had seen some light when my soul was still much engulfed in the spirit of darkness.
I apologize for asking my soldiers to burn Odi to the ground and kill everyone in sight. I know I am a murderer and a war criminal. I apologize for asking my army to massacre more people in Choba, Igwuruta, Biogbolo and other places in the Niger-Delta. I apologize for being evil, heartless and tyrannical. I apologize to the families of the people my army massacred. I apologize to the orphans whose parents my army killed, to the widows whose husbands were killed. I apologize for everything. I apologize.
I apologize for sowing the seeds that led to the Niger-Delta crisis. That transformed a non-violent struggle for justice, equity and fairness in the Niger-Delta into a full-blown war. I take responsibility for causing the crisis in the Niger-Delta today that has made heroes out of oil thieves and cultists like Asari Dokubo and other militants that the Nigerian government has to pay billions of naira to every month to keep from going back to the creeks.
I apologize for sending my soldiers to kill and burn down the communities of Zaki Biam, Vaase, Agbayin, Gbeji, Sankara and several others towns…. I apologize to the families of the people my army massacred. I apologize to the orphans whose parents my army killed, to the widows whose husbands were killed. I apologize for everything. I apologize. I weep and apologize.
I apologize for the murder of my attorney-general and minister of justice, Chief Bola Ige. I apologize for rewarding the man suspected of his assassination with political power. I apologize for my failure to nab, prosecute and jail the perpetrators of his assassination. I apologize for being insensitive and sadistic.
I apologize for the many backdoor deals I oversaw as president. I apologize for spending $2.2 billion on power without due process or any favourable end result. I apologize for the part I played in the Transcorp shares saga, the Obasanjo Library Fund, the COJA contracts, the PTDF scandal, the Siemens bribe scandal, the oil contracts and oil wells allocation which I singlehandedly allocated to myself, my women(oh, and I have a lot of them) and my cronies. I apologize for running the petroleum ministry during my tenure as my private estate. For shrouding my activities in the petroleum industry in utmost secrecy, for never rendering proper accounts of the oil revenue to relevant agencies, the Federal Executive Council or the National Assembly.
I apologize for using the EFCC as my personal bulldog to intimidate and bend the will of my political opponents and those who went against my will. I apologize to Nuhu Ribadu for using him for my own selfish interest.
I apologize for victimizing those who criticized me or who attempted to criticize me. I apologize to Audu Ogbeh for forcing him at gunpoint to sign his resignation, to Eedris Abdulkareem for victimizing him and forcing his promoters to do away with him because of the ‘’jaga jaga’’ song that depicted the true picture of Nigeria under me at that time. Look, Nigeria was indeed “Jaga Jaga” and is still “jaga jaga”.
I apologize to Rotimi Amaechi for striking his (Amaechi’s) name off the list of PDP’s governorship candidate list for the election just because I could. I apologize for withholding Federal allocation to Lagos under Bola Tinubu for three and a half years–an act of tyranny and dictatorship that I have come to realize.
I apologize to the people of Anambra state for turning a blind eye as the then sitting Governor, Chris Ngige, was kidnapped and forced to a shrine to swear an oath in broad daylight by one of my apologists Chris Uba who I made sure was above the law. I apologize for withdrawing his security just so to spite him and all the people of Anambra and show validation to the actions of Chris and Andy Uba.
I apologize for attempting to alter the constitution of the federal republic of Nigeria just for the single selfish purpose of getting a third term. I apologize to you my fellow Nigerians for using your tax money to bribe lawmakers in an attempt to make my selfish interest come to fulfillment. I apologize for heating up the polity, I apologize profusely for being a self-righteous, self-centered crook and a vindictive so and so.
I apologize to everyone I victimized when the will of you the Nigerian people prevailed over my third term attempt. I apologize for imposing on you a sick president. I apologize because I knew he was sick and didn’t have very much to live for, but I still made him President to spite you all. I wanted to punish the Nigerian people for not letting me have my third term so I imposed him on you, went back to my farm and watched in amusement. I look back at it all now and I admit that I am a terrible man. I apologize for the evils my actions have caused you. I apologize for my actions. I apologize even more for making an unexposed tribal bigot his Vice President.
- NewsRescue–EXCLUSIVE: Yar’Adua Was Poisoned By Obasanjo’s Kitchen Staff — Professor Ukandi G. Damachi, USA Cables
I apologize for giving you the Nigerian people, Goodluck Jonathan–a man who had no antecedent in leadership. I apologize for making a man who was under investigation for false declaration of his assets, President. I apologize for making a man whose wife was then being investigated by the EFCC for money laundering, President of the Federal Republic. I apologize.
I apologize for everything you the Nigerian people are going through right now. Your present travails with poor leadership are the products of my machinations. I am Goodluck Jonathan and Goodluck Jonathan is me. I am the kettle that produced the blackened coffee. I’m the architect of your misfortunes. I’m the captain of the gang of pirates that are currently milking your motherland dry. I am the evil one. Goodluck Johnathan is a product of my evil mind. I apologize. I am sorry for all I have cost you. My head is deep in shame, my body is clothed in sack-clothes and my hair is filled with ashes.
- NewsRescue–How Obasanjo and Dangote Got Nigeria “Here” by Imposing Terminally Sick Yar’Adua- US Intel. Leaks from “Rat” Gusau
I appeal to you the Nigerian people today, flee from me and every of my many descendants. If Jonathan wants to contest in 2015, by all means he should. But I appeal to you the Nigerian to vote him out. For he has dwarfed everything I and the grandfather of corruption in Nigeria and my good friend General Babangida ever thought of stealing. Under him, the impunity under me is a child’s play. Under him, the Presidency has turned into a laughing stock and the presidential jet has turn into a taxi for tribal warriors and ethnic jingoists who look for an opportunity to beat the drums of war. Ask Asari Dokubo.
And in conclusion, I apologize to my son Gbenga for sleeping with his wife and for embarrassing the office of the president of the federal republic of Nigeria and myself and my family.
I am very, very sorry fellow Nigerians. Forgive me, for I have erred. Forgive me because without your forgiveness, I will forever be miserable. Without your forgiveness, I will never have peace.
NB: Let me crave your indulgence to share this with your neighbours, friends and fellow countrymen who can’t have first hand access to this letter. Let my story be a lesson for whoever wants to lead this country in the future. I am a mess and I messed up.
Architect of Nigeria’s misfortune(s)
Satirical letter by author may not represent NewsRescue official editorial policy