Apr. 21, 2014
Everyone’s so timid and afraid to insult anybody, but in the end, it’s like we’re all trying to please everyone. In the end, we please no one. – Olivia Munn
If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved. -Russell Lynes
That President Goodluck Jonathan will be the most criticized and insulted Nigeria leader after the late dictator, General Sani Abacha is not in doubt, but what will be under contention is who will retain the crown among the two of them when he finish his two term of Presidency in 2019. The opposition especially the All Progressive Congress (APC) hates to hear this, but the truth is that the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) is more poised to win the 2015 elections in the presidential race, because of some factors which will be discussed next time.
I hate titles with every strength in me, hence no one who will be stylishly insulted in today’s epistle of my column should expect to read any title attached to their names. What title do they have in the first place apart from the ones they bought from the corrupt Nigerian Universities who sells their doctorate degrees to the highest bidder. Little wonder, the Anambra small boy called Ifeanyi Ubah will append the worthy academic title ‘doctor’ to his corrupt name.
The smooth operator from Otuoke must be a very good womanizer, judging from the way he was able to dazzle Nigerians with his campaign jiggles and promises, coming on Facebook to interact with all and crowning it all with the evergreen slogan, “I had no shoes; if I can make it, you too can make it”. Hush, wait! I have a secret to reveal to you. If he was a good womanizer like we all say, how come of all the damsels in Nigeria in his era when we truly had beauty queens with good characters, the best he could pick as a wife is a ‘shepopotamus’ (apologies to Wole Soyinka), who controls him like a splitting unit air condition? This is the secret, one mind tells me that he never wooed Mama Peace that looks like a cassava starch basin in the village, but the reverse must have been the case. Women sure have intuitions that can tell them the destiny of a man tomorrow and even when they have no shoes, they will use their personal money to see he has shoes. How do I know this? Poor me then years ago, but not like the fisherman President o; my then fiancée will tell me, “Baby, I’m not following you now because you are a poet but because I see a popular Journalist in you who will become sought after”. I did laugh it off but alas it’s humbly true already. This must be same with ‘Shepopotamus’ unfirst lady and fisherman Head of State.
How can a man be so wicked and heartless, so much after raping our collective virginity, he plays the pipe while over 80 young girls are missing. Yes, His Royal Majesty, Emperor Jonathan Goodluck Ebele Mandela, the ozagidimagbudu of the Universe is playing the fiddle while Rome burns. Barely 24 hours after Nyanya was bombed by Boko Haram and the kindergarten leader went there to make his usual boring message; he went gallivanting to Kano State to kick off the Northern campaign all in the name of Unity rally. Parents and relatives mourned their loved ones and Jonathan was busy massaging a woman super Ikebe with his rod at the campaign rally. While the blood of Nyanya blast victims were yet to dry, the dumb President jetted off to Ibadan for a party to celebrate 100 years with the Olu-Ibadan, shining his 32 to the world media, while ironically, the British Ambassador to Nigeria was right there in Abuja to donate blood to the surviving victims, who are not his own people. Nigerians must not take this act of his non donation for granted as he has to be subjected to medical test to check his fitness to govern this country. There certainly must be a reason he has remained adamant by not donating blood despite the cry from Nigerians and others in Diaspora. We certainly do not want another Yaradua case or do we? When history is recorded, Mr Jonathan will surely be a project topic for research studies as a case in failed leadership.
There is certainly no better name to call the Chief looter of the National Assembly, Mr David Mark (the animal must have been expecting to hear distinguished Senator) than an over fed bedbug. This father of many unknown children as far as Bahamas has being a constant problem of Nigeria from the military days till this very moment. How his Senatorial district from Benue State manages to tolerate his foolishness remains a mystery to all Nigerians. He must be the one-eyed man in the eyes of the blind; after all they are mainly farmers, planting big yams and crops to feed the nation (no insult meant for the distinguished Benue citizens please). For Christ sake, what is this overfed bedbug doing in the Senate for thirteen solid terms, without any meaningful contribution to Nigeria development, apart from satisfying his insatiable quest for wealth.
David Mark’s houses in Europe and the Caribbean which was revealed by his ex wife is enough for Nigerians to drag him publicly from that desecrated hollows called the chambers in the National Assembly and stone him to death or whip him with plantain leaves and stumps to make him confess and disclose his bank account numbers, for it to be shared among all poor Benue people whose constituency funds he used to enrich his wretched life. If Nigerians were a group of serious people, we truly don’t need to do a recall letter before asking him to leave the Senate; rather we would have tormented him and his families psychologically that he will be forced to resign. And it’s never too late to make life so hellish for him. We have in our hands the internet to expose all his atrocities, as far as going into his family and private life details, including his children. This he knows is possible; hence he and his partners in crime are doing all they can to pass a bill to send New Media Journalists and bloggers to jail.
What an irony for the fisherman President to organize a feast for old men who have looted the treasury and put them under the title of ‘elder statesmen’ for the National CONFAB. There are no statesmen in Nigeria and it is time we disabuse our minds and start referring to the corrupt ones among them as thieves. And I will call Dieprieye Alamesigha (who cares if I spent his name wrongly) a first class thief of the first order and for the clueless President to name him among those bandwagons of ‘elder statesmen’ shows how much he personally has looted Nigeria treasury to coma. Let the heavens fall on this statement, but it will be written all over the cloud that Mr Goodluck Jonathan is one of Nigeria biggest thief and a time will come when a Pharaoh that knows no Joseph will emerge and Jonathan alongside the Alams of this world will be thrown into a prison and left to die. Let no Nigeria media ascribe to any of them the title of statesman any longer, for we have none worthy of that title now, apart from the first set of nationalist.
This name must not escape us in this column; Aliko Dangote. His ascension to the Forbes list of richest men is not any dint of hardwork, but a work made possible by the looting rulers of Nigeria. Just anyone who has what Dangote has from the Federal government can become Africa richest man and every word written here is true like the sands in the beach. Who will not be successful if he is given the monopoly to import some certain products into the Country? This tall man whose eyes shines like a thief in the night is one of the many problems of Nigeria, providing funds for sitting Presidents and governors to pay rigging machineries that will perpetuate them in power to enable them keep giving him all juicy contracts. And yet foolish Nigerians keep heaping praises on this foolish Dangote for using their common wealth to play political games, and using State governors to buy their lands from them at cheap prices. It is this same Dangote whose drivers are the most reckless in Nigeria, killing Nigerians at will, ramming into peoples houses and business establishments; runs way with the trucks and sometimes abandoning the vehicles in the accident area and no Nigeria police will raise an eyebrow, rather he gets the highest award for killing fellow Nigerians. In Qatar cement is N420, in Thailand it’s N520, in Israel it’s N430 Naira, but in Nigeria it’s N2,400, no thanks to this national conspirator for looters association of Nigeria. Who will stop Aliko Dangote monopoly of the Nigeria economy?
In our country lives another political rabble rouser, a man who missed been a dwarf and feels that the only way to show his political relevance is to be a constant opposition member. Welcome to the world of Nasir El-Rufai, a man who is not truly recognized in his party, APC, but spends all his time on Facebook and twitter, posting what fellow Nigerians who are not comfortable with the leadership of the country has written, yet was not recognized like Japheth Omojuwa and Co among the men who have used social media to change their world, despite his huge following. This Fulani man who had the opportunity to change Nigeria through the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) as a Minister could not do so, yet he had the guts to come on the cyber space to heap insults on a government when he did nothing during his time. Should we say shame on him for making himself look more like a twitter and Facebook activist than a self proclaimed opposition politician that he calls himself? Can someone tell the short Surveyor that those on his Facebook page are not fans but Nigerians who want to laugh at the foolishness he displays? He certainly must be thinking that he has lots of fans on his page. Fans our foot! Let Nigerians not be deceived, that page is a sponsored page which was advertised by Facebook management itself. I dare him to open a Facebook page which will not be sponsored and let’s see how many people will like his page. Nigerians should ask him how he got the money to build the mansions he has in Abuja and other areas within the country. Such men like him are part of the problem in the country and Nigerians must beware of him and his political ambition.
This notorious female looter will pass as Nigeria all biggest looters of all in the female category. When the looters hall of fame is mentioned; this beauty queen will be there. Dazzling as ever with sex appeal that must have kept her in the position for this long; Diezani Alison Madueke is one woman who should be behind bars were Nigeria a sane country where thieves are crucified. This lady with frog eyes have done more harm than good to Nigeria, lying her way to power with some alleging that she has slept with the powers that be. Who she sleeps with is no one problem and who cares if she opens her skirts to dogs in Italy? But we care how our money in the Ministry of Petroleum Resources is being spent. Under her watch, this pen robber diverted $20 billion to an unknown account and instead of tendering her resignation letter honorably; she has the temerity to tell Nigerians that she will be vindicated. What arrant nonsense is this academic fraudster saying? Instead of accounting for all the missing monies, she shakes her ass before the President to confuse him and makes him lose his senses? If Stella Oduah can be sacked; a high class looter like Diezani has no business being a Minister.
The men in the beer parlor are still insulting other Nigerian leaders, which we will soon unveil. For now, keep pouring the insult on them and tell them it’s what the men in the beer parlour said.
These little things matter…
Fejiro Oliver, a Journalist and Media Relations expert can be reached on [email protected] and +2348026797588 (sms only please). Follow him on twitter: @fejirooliver86 and Facebook: fejirooliver86. Like the Facebook page – secretsreporters